Not that the writing is bad, but, you have a lot of description to fill in. Missing parts within the story ain't much to be appreciated, nor is it sohpisticated, it's simply, too much of a 'cool-actor'
The location was missing, so is the time... short is good, it attracts, but just that, you tried too hard to make it look cool and make yourself a good writer that this piece has become nothing more than a failure.
Deconstructive Critical ViewPoint.